grief, rage, abandonment and hypocrisy

It's August 1st, 2025... Before we know it, we'll turn around, time will have snuck up on us and suddenly it will be winter, the turning point of the new year... I find myself both terrified and numb, oscillating between the two

I doubt many of the outside cats will survive, too many already suffer malnutrition and I have no way to save them

The slum house is falling apart, I was only supposed to be here 3 years max but it's now 10 years I've been trapped in this house as the landlords let it rot, the local town hall and it's Mayor turn a blind eye, as have the courts, various social services and gov officials

We barely survived last winter with no proper heat and no hot water, as well as the malpractice from various social services

Living by the motto "NO ONE should have it as bad as me, let alone worse" .... I'm painfully aware of how my situation mirrors Gaza on a smaller scale... Individual and civilian but far too many parallels and if help doesn't come soon for either of us, I don't know how any of us will survive the winter

I watch what's happening in the States, seeing the various groups of society who are fighting against the fascism, others fighting for it, so many trying to ignore it.... Either because they just aren't paying attention to the right sources or to keep their sanity but either way seeing folks trying to get excited about Halloween and prep shopping for Christmas.... Both holidays make me want to vomit

Halloween is like the 4th of July, a time when the people are out and easy targets for pick up and delivery to whatever holding cell or Auschwitz like camps or Epstein island 2.0 reboot

Thanksgiving and Christmas are a joke... Besides being potential capture points for anyone deemed "undesirable" ... They will both be used as psychological warfare by the media and by anyone still trying to keep the peace with family who refuse to acknowledge the truth

As well as feeding the wallet of the 1% by trying to hide reality from children and keep the status quo as we are collectively sent deeper down the financial hole... Which is by design

There is the heightened potential of more deaths, from all angles and ways of achieving it... Specifically women, children and anyone of color

It doesn't take an Oracle of Delphi to see the potential future that is desperately trying to keep us all in the Twilight Zone dystopic nightmare

And I do mean all of us, all of humanity vs just a small sample case study of the States or Gaza

One horrific thing that France has taught me, is to be aware that colonialism is alive and thriving but that doesn't mean it's on the move like back in history

They colonize from within their boarders and I've learned to witness the same toxicity happening in every country, under every government around the world

It's blatantly on display in the States, enabling the same toxicity to slowly step out of hiding in other countries but instead of what's clearly visible being used as an alarm bell for other countries, many still wear the same rose tinted glasses that were viscerally ripped away from many in the States last November

Everywhere I look on the internet, those who are awake and taking a stand... Many are like Jack from Quadzillahikes, calling for accountability and shaming folks, hopefully into acts of courage... That if you aren't standing up, if you aren't fighting for humanity, that you are an accomplice

While Jack makes efforts to bring people together, to educate and get people thinking, to prepare and prevent... Him and others like him are dancing both sides of the fine line between helper and hypocrite

Only those within the right demographics are included in those groups... I see very little mention of any sort of support and protection or inclusion for anyone with any sort of handicap

I see virtually nothing for the deaf and or blind community

All I do see is a massive void where a large portion of society exists but is forgotten about

I'm included on that list

It's painful at a level most will never understand outside of a warzone... I'm highly intelligent, I know a grate many things and it's all useless because the specific things I need just aren't there and others have those things that I need but they take them for granted

I've begged for help, for over a decade, clearly explaining what my needs are... The types of skill sets others have that I'm lacking or have but need the help of others to bring back those sections of my brain that are hidden from the stroke and extreme prolonged escalating expansive victimization of human and legal rights that caused massive CPTSD

But no matter how clearly I stated my needs back then... At best I got "supportive" but EMPTY platitudes... Things said to make themselves feel better about not stepping up

As it got worse the last 3 years, begging for help to find us, using any platform for as long as I could, showing my vulnerability and sufferance... Being ignored because I lack the ability to edit videos or other tech skills that were stolen from my brain and too much of global society exists in "TL:DR" mentality

On the rare occasions I wasn't ignored ... Attacked and trolled instead or of the very VERY few who randomly tried to step in because they knew how the French system work... Berating me, telling me it can't be THIS complicated, that I simply need to go back to everyone abusing me and my family, force them to do their job...

How do you force local law enforcement, lawyers, the courts, the hospital, various schools, various social services, slumlords and more to do their job and obey the law... When they are all clearly set against you... If the local level isn't an option, if it's biased, bigoted, racist/xenophobic, sexist and more... If your own embassy turns a blind eye... Who do you turn to and when you finally figured out someone to contact that's higher up the gov food chain... And they ignore you... And the next ignores you and the next and the next...

I have an uncle who is a multi publish author, he was in academia and has been interviewed or given interviews ... He could have stepped in and help me organize my story, help me help myself through sharing his skill sets... But no

I used to have thousands of friends and followers on various platforms and through my old blog but nothing... 99.8% of them gone because I'm no fun any more

I knew multiple authors, self published or not, aware winning bloggers, lawyers, cops, various content creators, IT folks, therapists too... All job types that have skill sets I desperately needed

Many in large groups like Star Wars or other groups that do large scale charity events and connections to activists and journalists

I even reached out to Sam Carr a professor at the University in Bath, who conducted Loneliness research and he ghosted me

Everyone just fades away... Leaving me to rot and denying me access to the tools and skill sets I need to save myself and my family, my dog and all the cats

I've only ever needed others to step in and act as a stepping stone to the next area in life where I need to be, in order to gain justice and attempt to reform or ratify existing laws, create new ones and not only protect my family but others as well... In and out of France

But everyone is too busy, my situation is too awkward and assumptions are running rampant

So it hits hard, like a slap in the face, to hear anyone saying that if you aren't stepping up with what's happening in the States or Gaza, that you are complicit ... I'm denied access to being in those groups, unable to share the wisdom I've been forced to learn over the decades of increased need to survive... Forced into corners like Substack or the comments of other content creators, trying to leave seeds that are food for thought because attempting anything larger doesn't work for how I'm forced to simply exist

And I've screamed those same words for the last 3 years.... Can you comprehend the level of suffering it takes to traumatize a child for so long that they battle active suicidal ideation starting at age 12, finally being allowed to help him heal that ideation but he STILL suffers from homicidal ideation...

Against his father, his father's family, the hospital where his father works, the school where he was victimized, the lawyers who failed to protect us, the courts that either allowed my son to be victimized by his father's lawyer or the appeals judge who verbally assaulted my son for simply raising his hand in silent, polite, protest against lies his father was spewing to the judge... On top of anything indirect that he has witnessed me being forced to survive

Do you understand the complexity and level of resilience it takes to be his emotional support anchor and moral compass, to be the line in the sand and having to walk with death at your side EVERY DAY, EVERY HOUR, for 3 solid years

Getting sabotage instead of help, being set up as a scape goat, defamation of character and so much more as they PUSH him to lose control of his ideation

Trying to turn him into a home grown terrorist... All because they refuse to see the truth when it's under their nose, doing so would mean mass scale accountability... Far easier to keep us traumatized, hope it kills me so I'll finally go away and being ready to spin the narrative if my son loses control and goes on a mass ☠️ spree against his abusers

So many important people have been made aware and they let us rot... All are accomplices

We can't go back to the States, it isn't safe to go to the embassy to update our passports... We are trapped in France and France is persecuting us at extreme levels under civilian situations that get ignored because only war crimes matter and even then... Only to a point

I get ignored by immigration lawyers in other countries, ignored and my situation dumbed down by various other embassies... Just left to rot

But others put on their hypocrisy pants, go around berating maga for getting what they wanted, acting holier than thou because they saw it coming, tried to warn folks and now we're all screwed... While STILL ignoring those, like me, who have been begging for help, begging for inclusion, BEGGING to matter TOO and these holier than maga folks still refuse to keep stepping up, to add inclusion... to protect, defend and support those who need help and were screaming "WAKE UP" long before it became "popular"

I'm bitter, I'm jaded, I have EVERY reason to give up on my situation and global society, I have EVERY reason to let my son give in to his ideation and join in ... But I can't... I'm not ALLOWED... I have no choice but to keep fighting for a better world, to keep what love I have inside of me alive and give it in any way I can to others who need it, to do whatever I can from the shadows to help humanity choose to be better...

I'm exhausted to my soul and it's humanities fault

I am DISGUSTED that I can comprehend what people in Gaza are surviving, at ANY level and knowing the amount of psychological damages being done to their brains, how it impacts the body and the after care any of the survivors will need in order to reintegrate back into society and the horrid guilt of any survivors... Those still there or those who got away earlier

The desperate need to unconditional love on a humanitarian level and the abandonment on a global scale

I'm disgusted that anything I've been forced to survive, is foreshadowing for anyone "undesirable" in any country and understanding how any current levels of sufferance on the civilian level is getting closer and closer to my situations and a short slide down towards what the Palestinians are facing... But on a global scale

The irony and gallows humor of people in society craving to be a Main Character, so many who are absolutely delusional about it...

Yet here I am, in the face of many, an actual Main Character that is ignored until I either gain global attention or I die and others FINALLY step up and force global attention

Madame Gisèle Pelicot went through extreme trauma, from her abusive husband, the men he organized to abuse her, the medical misogyny and finally making it into the public eye as a Main Character in a true story

Many others who survive extreme situations become main characters, gain notoriety, book deals, movie deals etc... how long did they walk among you before anyone realized

I'm one of those extreme people but I get ignored because of the delusional ones who monopolize the air waves and turn people against those who truly are living their life at a level of society many thankfully never reach

I'm tired ... I'm exhausted... I'm lonely beyond words and I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting for justice, keep surviving as others keep ignoring

My family and I deserve a happy ending to this hell and to use it to help others ... But I don't know how to do it on my own

There aren't support groups for people like me and if things don't shift, there's going to be far more people like me

I want this raw dogging hell Twilight Zone nightmare to be over... But that's not up to me, that's up to everyone else and I'm tired of being hyper independent while simultaneously FORCED to be codependent

Anyone who has read or watched anything I've posted, anywhere over the years... Y'all are part of my story ... It's up to you to determine what role you play

I can feel my walls crumbling, the emotional flood gates wanting to blow off steam just like the Earth is shaking and building up to another 7+ quake... But I'm not allowed to feel too deep or it puts my life at risk without any support... So I'll have to let it build until it vents, probably by Sunday and then repair the walls around my emotions... Soft through and process whatever makes it through and go back to being numbed out until the next time

This is no way to live but I have only been allowed to keep existing... One step at a time, trying to move forward until legitimately free or dead and free

For anyone saying society wasn't like this in the past... Yes, yes it was... It was just better at staying hidden

I gotta give it to Diaper Genie... He promised to drain the swamp and he did so on a global scale

The thing about draining a swamp, it makes anything toxic and obstructive on blatant display but what folks keep ignoring is that you have to next dredge the swamp

Purge out anything toxic, anything not supposed to be there, gather all the nutritional muck and put it to use elsewhere, then stock it with healthy plants and fresh water...

But too many are trying to just fill it back up right away, put in some lily pads and completely ignorant of how lily pads choke off much of the life because of the environment they need in order to grow

Which means if we repeat that pattern, nothing will change long term and we'll be doomed to repeat the now but a lot sooner than last time

My brain hurts, it's almost 15 and I've forgotten to eat, I try to practice self care but I just have so little energy left